Meatfest is not just a holiday. It’s a way of life. Living the Meatfest way of life means understanding exactly why we have implemented our new green emissions policy.
Extra emissions
Simply put, eating copious amounts of meat has a very well known side effect: *extra emissions*. However, the specific scent caused by this type of flatulence is well-known and highly regarded. It is a deep, particularly meaty aroma that will inflame your nostrils—often followed by a high-five from a good friend. This ritual typically occurs late at night as you sit around the Meatfest campfire, where it may even help fan the flames into an inferno.
Of course, it is worth noting at this point that it is a well-known scientific fact that eating vegetables has an even greater, more devastating effect on emissions. As such, we strictly advise against mixing your meat with vegetables at Meatfest. The fewer vegetables, the better. Mixing a premium ribeye with a side of brussels sprouts creates a volatile chemical reaction. We aren’t saying you can’t bring a salad, but if your cabbage-fueled emissions melt a hole through the communal gazebo, you WILL be billed for a replacement. Please note, this statement does not affect our inclusion policy; we are simply advising against directing weapons-grade emissions towards communal structures..
As we are deeply committed to health and safety at Meatfest, please read the following risk assessment regarding other dangerous emission environments. Unauthorised use of emissions are wholly unacceptable. As such the ‘Tent Game’ is strictly forbidden. Shouting “tent” not only could wake your neighbours but Meatfest emissions under nylon, over you and your partner are classified as a biohazard and could prove fatal—if not to your organs, then certainly to your relationship. Furthermore, we highly discourage you to “Dutch oven” yourself inside your own sleeping bag.
Our Core mission
On a positive note, one of the core missions of Meatfest is to eat as much beef as humanly possible over the weekend. This has a fantastic impact on the local livestock population. By aggressively reducing the number of cattle in the area via consumption, we are significantly lowering agricultural emissions. After all, it is well known that livestock only eat green things, which—as previously established—creates horrific emissions.
Our carbon footprint
Most importantly, we proudly source our meat from our local butcher, who amazingly acts as our landlord, bacon slicer and lamb minter. Because the meat is produced right here, it incurs zero food miles, radically slashing our carbon footprint. In fact, if the wind is blowing in the right direction, you can practically hear your dinner apologizing for the climate crisis from the next field over. To ensure you are creating the *right* kind of emissions, high-quality meat is a must. We highly recommend ordering through the provided Meatfest Butcher Form.
All premium orders will be delivered directly to the site in a single vehicle, eliminating the need for you to drive to a shop yourself—once again, reducing global emissions. And of course, this is also fantastic news for those who wish to be super lazy, eat Llama and enjoy the weekend fully.
Together, through the selfless act of eating our body weight in local livestock, we can build a cleaner, meatier tomorrow. Stay lazy, stay hungry, and may your high-fives be frequent and your tents well-ventilated. Welcome to Meatfest.
Long live the CampChef™
The Carbon Offset Clause: If you do accidentally emit a non-compliant, vegetable-grade emission, you are legally required to immediately offset your carbon footprint. This can be done by chanting ‘For the Planet’ three times while saluting the flag and eating some additional premium meat.
